These past three days have been a whirlwind of emotion for my family.
On his way to work, my dad found a kitten abandoned in a Kroger parking lot. She could barely move, so he called my mom, who then told my siblings and I the news. We threw on some clothes and piled into the van, wary but full of hope. As soon as we arrived, I could tell something was wrong with the kitten’s forehead. It was swollen almost to the tip of her long ears and was soft to touch; I couldn’t feel a skull. She fell asleep instantly in my arms, and I stroked her fur and prayed over her little body.
She had to be fed by bottle every few hours and surprised us with a voracious appetite. Her heavy forehead seemed to throw off her balance, and she spent most of the first day in deep sleep. My mom did some research via Google and concluded that the kitten had hydrocephalus (fluid in the brain), a fatal condition. However, when we took her to the vet, he told us that it was probably just a concussion, which explained the swelling and the disoriented behavior (licking). He prescribed some mild antibiotics and asked us to check in soon.
I rose early the next morning and was happy to find the kitten sitting upright in the bed we made for her. She was energetic but a bit bumbly, exploring the room she was confined to headfirst. That day was consumed by a cycle of care – feed the kitten, let the kitten nap, take the kitten out to romp and go potty, and repeat. She seemed to be doing much better, and it looked like she would find a new home pretty easily after her recovery – we had already gotten several enquiries. Of course, I wanted to keep her, but we already have a golden retriever the size of a pony, and the two weren’t compatible.
My favorite part of the care cycle was the nap. I loved to hold her and watch her sleep. She weighed almost nothing at 1.1 lbs and had beautiful silken fur with dark, jagged stripes. The markings around her eyes and nose made her look like a baby cheetah. She was a beautiful little animal.
This morning, my mom thought something seemed amiss. The kitten was very bity and kept using her claws during breakfast. Later, while I held her, she started seizing. I had just stroked the top of her head when she shot up, hair on end, and began hissing and hunching her back, legs and arms jerking and splaying, her tiny body wracked with spasmatic pain. It was truly horrible, and at first I didn’t know what was going on.
“Jesus, please don’t let her die, please don’t let her die.” Frantic words. Loud, wild sobbing. There was nothing I could do, nothing I could do but pray and watch.
Suddenly she fell limp onto my hand. But she was breathing. She was alive.
We rushed her to another animal clinic. The vet told my mom that the kitten had to be put down – she had no skull. The swelling was her brain. I held her one last time and cried harder than I ever had at any funeral. This was worse, somehow. I felt my face crumple and peel back into a wide, ridiculous smile, and I tried not to feel angry at God. Why is anger always my first response? Wasn’t it His mercy that lead the kitten to my dad? And we were able to make her last days comfortable, loving on her and providing her with a safe place to rest. These realities didn’t make goodbye any sweeter, though. Death is hell, and we were never meant to bear it before the fall of man.
I found these verses from the book of Job very comforting.
“But ask the animals, and they will teach you, or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you; or speak to the earth, and it will teach you, or let the fish in the sea inform you. Which of all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this? In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.” -Job 12:7-10
Job lost his children, his livestock, his land, and his health, yet he continued to praise God’s name and refused to curse Him, despite the urging of his wife. He knew what he was talking about here.
I also love this quote from Wilson Rawl’s Where the Red Fern Grows.
I looked at his grave and, with tears in my eyes, I voiced these words: “You were worth it, old friend, and a thousand times over.”
She was worth it.